In 2012 my marriage broke up shortly after my father died. I can't begin to tell you what this entailed. As Abramelin warned not to, I forsook the faith of my forefathers. But not really. I just set it completely aside out of disgust and pain and I pursued what I thought MOST NECESSARY in a practical sense. Within 2 months I met a Scorpio woman who nursed me back to some sanity over the course of the next year. During this time there was nothing to hold me back from my raging inquiries. No fear. I had nothing, or very little, to live for.
It is of interest to me now, that at that time, I began to be drawn to the symbol of the skull. Of Golgotha. I bore it on my clothes. The gas cap of my Dodge Challenger (going into massive debt was my answer to divorce). Skull trinkets and candles. Jewelry. The skull, I now have come to know, is the alchemical symbol for calcination. This is the Black Ray of Azoth. Saturn. I learned in this time too that I was a double Capricorn. I then began to understand my life's misery and restriction as something that was being done to me by my ruling planet, for my own benefit, or my death, as per usual with shamanistic inquiries. He would eat me if he had to. Saturnian energy I realized, had always oozed from my very being, very slowly making everyone around me want to clear the room. This explained school, and much, much more.
“All our purifications are done in fire, by fire, and with fire,” noted the twentieth-century alchemist Fulcanelli.
Four years later from 2012 to June 15, 2016. In the depth of heat of the fire of calcination, what do I do? I jump blindly and quite ignorantly to the Green Ray of Azoth. To Venus. That's all detailed in this blog and podcast as events transpired.
Now here I find my fear, as well as my reason for living. Some coloration begins to happen in the Peacock's Tail. Forms are totally busted. All world views fractured. I can never go back to the reality tunnels or the reality labyrinths I was living in. My right eye fell out of my soul as well, but that's a long story. The forms have been shattered. Rather, dissolved. I had no idea what happened to me, or why, other than I blindly initiated it, and something visited me. A bald woman with something wrong with her eye, and a horrible black goat. Really horrible demon goat. Worse demon goat ever. Venus the Bald actually is one of her ancient epithets. Just learned that today. Venus Barbata or Venus Calva. Interesting stories to look up...
Conjunction, this Green Ray, Venus, is described alchemically as crucifixion. Yesterday was Easter. It's 10 months and 3 days since my initiating into the Sphere of Venus. I'm not kidding when I tell you I've searched every day and hour for answers. Rufus Opus was not bullshitting you at all when he spoke of the upturned lives of people who had worked his 7 Spheres. It certainly upturned mine. And, as Venus has just recently gone direct, final conclusions are coming in like fish in Christ's net. I could write volumes and volumes on Venus and the Goat and I. And it just keeps unfolding. It can't be put in a form. It can't be presented as a thesis or even a sensible hypothesis. This is what I believe escapes the paranormal and Fortean people. You guys are just going to have to step in the circle.
You say you are this or that. You are likely a liar. I am a liar. Let's see how your forms, your identity gained through intellectual assent - let's see how they do on the cross of crucifixion. Amaymon is here, present in this process, because he is of the next step in Mercury - the Black Peacock-winged Goat who ferments. These processes forge you into who you are called to be. Most people never make it anywhere near there, and you and I know it. The world is filled with the dead dreams of sleeping people.
Intellectual assent is not at all fitting of the Gnosis that comes to one upon the cross. The cross is where the heart and the mind are married.
Postmodernism ascertained the problem with dogmas. They are held by hypocrites who absolutely do not REALLY believe them. Not with their hearts. People use beliefs only as shields against opposing beliefs. Robert Anton Wilson describes what happens with this in his Prisim Lecture. When the forms of the mind all dissolve, there is the heart. It is raw, bleeding. Never felt by most people before. This is the office of Venus, and much, much more.
If people really believed what they say they do, this world would be transformed overnight. I could give you examples, but you could give me better ones. If you really believed in your heart what you confess with your mind, you would be transformed this instant. I mean really think about that. Don't gloss over this.
What is love? God is love. Without love I am nothing. A clanging symbol, er... cymbal. The purpose of individuation is to come to a knowledge, to Gnosis, to equilibrium of being. To love. None who have been given the Victory of Netzach are without love. Their inborn love, their new heart, calls them to join back with the many, to love the many - so that others may know, this is why we are here. To love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor, love your enemies, love those unlike you. To love all with Agape love. With the Father's love. This is what magic is about.